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As I look outside my window everything’s in bloom and it would seem I’d be happy, but how can I be when my son is gone. My heart will never be un-shattered, and although those who’ve never lost a child may think at six months things would be better, it’s not. In fact, it’s just the beginning. I’m barely at the place of missing him because I can’t truly believe he’s gone yet. I’m still in the depths of despair for what he went through.
Last year at this time Chad was alive. April 20, 2014 he was still excited about doing some kind of ministering for God (see text to me below). Everything that happened beginning in September of 2013 and ending at his death on October 14, 2014 keeps going through my mind. I go over and over it in my head, my soul screams to undue what happened.
If someone had told me to do as my intuition begged of me, then Chad would be alive. No, I can’t go back and undue anything. I can’t undue his suicide, but I can warn others.
My intuition rocked the very core of my soul, and yet I felt I shouldn’t interfere. I’ve come to the place where I can’t ignore the reasons why I didn’t believe I had the right to fight for something that was literally tearing me apart. I’ll confess I have a personality type that more times than not backs away least there be conflict. It goes way back in time, and now it’s something I have to deal with. Many things could’ve stopped his death, and there are always lessons to be learned, although I believe whole-heartedly that just a few words from me the following month would have stopped the train.
Here is one of such texts he sent me. He talked into his phone at times so some words are off a bit, but I knew what he meant.
It’s amazing that he ended it with: “is that not what we hope in that He will come back and take us in His arms.” Surely Chad felt the arms of God as the angels carried him through the gates of Heaven. It’s still very difficult to fathom, but the other night listening to Carrie Underwood, Vince Gill, and Charles Billingsley sing, God’s spirit was here. For a few moments I felt joy. Each night when I listen to a sermon and pray I do feel God’s presence, and if not for that reprieve there would be no hope.
Chad had been reading the bible and praying for years, and accepted Christ when he was very young, but around March he had a yearning to do more. He was so excited and was looking for support. It takes every ounce of control I have to not completely fall apart recalling his disappointment when that fell through knowing how close he came.
From other things he said I wonder if God is still preparing him for something big.
Though my heart is heavy
My heart is filled with love
God’s love
Or it could not be so
There is so much that has happened in this journey, and I wish there was something I could say that would help someone just beginning. Support is the first word that comes to mind. Support, support, and more support. There are a few people that merely text and ask how I’m doing. Even that helps and is appreciated so much. All grieving parents long for understanding, not sympathy, but only understanding.
