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Blog Color of loss

Broken after losing a child: #PTSD #Pray #Heavenbound #amwriting

The Color of Loss is dedicated to my son

Chad Ryan

May 7, 1975 ~ October 14, 2014.

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CorBryChad 2014-11-14_0940
              Corey, Bryant, Chad

Not that long ago I was one of the mothers who wondered how parents who’ve lost a child could live through the pain. Well, I can now tell you that we don’t want to live, but there’s only one alternative. While watching the movie Maleficent a couple of days ago when Angelina realizes she lost her wings, I thought, that’s it, that’s exactly how tortured I feel, only without hate and revenge.

There is only so much pain a person can bear and when I awoke the other morning once again overcome by the wretched horror that Chad is gone for good, I realized I may not make it. In a way it’s getting worse. It’s not even one minute at a time, it’s one moment at a time. I have to give it to God all day long. Any parent who has lost a child knows that we live each day with the unbearable pain that our child is gone and there is nothing we can do about it.  I don’t know what people do without faith. One thing that does help me is each night and some mornings I listen to online ministers, and then pray. I’d never get to sleep otherwise. Of course then when I awake in the middle of the night I’m met by what’s happened and I want to die. What makes it even more difficult for me is how it happened and what lead up to his death. Every parent needs to talk about, everything.

When someone dies, we don’t just say, well, it happened and move on. Something always leads up to the point of death whether it’s sickness, going through a traffic light, our driving on ice. It’s a known fact through studies that to bring some semblance of healing we need to talk about every last detail over and over until we come to terms with what happened. Something killed our children, they just didn’t close their eyes and die. There is always a story to their death.

I miss so many things about Chad, and each day there is something more I remember. I miss his face, his voice, his laughter, his wonderful bear hugs, his handsomeness, the way he loved and took care of others, and especially the way he said “I love you mamma.” I miss and love that he was the first one to call me when he knew I was going through something. I love that he was such a caring person, that he was humble, and that he was always the first to say he was sorry, because not one of us are perfect. I’m grateful that he loved Jesus and is in the presence of God all mighty for when we die we are even higher beings than the angels. We will one day be like Christ. Hard to believe, but then that’s why Jesus went through so much suffering at the cross.

*I love you Chaddieboy and no matter how I try, I can never be okay with what happened to you.*

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Blog Color of loss

Losing a child: #depression #pray #heavenbound #grief

Click below to hear the song, Worn: This reminds me of what I saw during his last year of life:

WORN

CHAD RYAN
May 7, 1975 ~ October 14, 2014

  His Soul I’ll carry with me, always
 Chad & nieces Bella, Sophie
Chad & nieces Bella, Sophie

That picture above captures the essence of Chad, full of life and love. But then sometimes life gets in the way. He died October 14, 2014. Depression took his life.

No words can stop the pain or the screaming in my head; I literally feel my mind being reshaped as I try to crawl out of this nightmare. It’s as if Chad is falling off a cliff and each and every waking moment I’m rushing over to save him. It’s a horrendous feeling as I try to undue what’s been done. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I can’t imagine what it will be like when shock wears off, because as it is now, living is wanting to die. As much as I dread nighttime, I’m so exhausted from the battle of dealing that I usually fall asleep after prayer or a few pages on my kindle; if only it would last, but I doze and awake many times a night to the earth-shattering reality my son is gone, over and over again. It’s pure torment as crazy as those first few moments when I learned he was dead. I dread going to sleep, I dread waking up. I dread living for months and years with this pain. I can’t bear that he suffered and died. I can’t bear that he disappeared off the face of this earth.

When I awake each morning I bolt out of bed sobbing, but I keep busy every moment of the day as I struggle to make sense of it all. After I’ve finished with chores I turn on a movie, but almost everything is a trigger and it’s no more than a minute or two that I concentrate even as I check my phone every few seconds, or straighten a pant leg, or pull up my socks, or pick lint off a shirt sleeve all in desperation to clutter up my grief.

I’m consumed by the loss of my son.

Chad should not be dead, it’s insanity; he wanted to live. He wanted a good life and he worked so hard for that. He worked so hard for others. To think I refrained from calling him at work many times for fear he may reach for his phone and fall off his ladder. But, that’s love, that’s consideration, that’s being cautious, that’s how we care for those we love. All I wanted from him, was him, to know he was happy, and to be alive. I wanted to visit him and talk with him a lot more than I did, I wasn’t bogged down by a job, I had time, but I sacrificed out of respect. How could this have happened? I would die to undue this mess, to take away his pain, to give him that trip to Hawaii he said he was saving for. When he felt the love he was on top of the world. I could see it in his eyes, in everything he did, and in his music when he felt sad, or happy, or when he was troubled.

Categories
Color of loss

Quotes, Beauty, Children, A Mother’s Love! #God #Quotes #Love

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As I near the 8 month mark of losing my son, the reality is that I will grieve until I’m in heaven with himFor On Hour

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I wrote this when my three boys were very young. Ronald Reagan was President when American hostages were taken in Iran.
Mother In Wait Quote 4 web

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As a parent I always want my children to know how much I love them. I have four (one in heaven) who are as precious as the other

Feb Children2015-01-16_2233

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  This came as I was writing a blog post a few days after I lost one of my sons 
CHAD Poem A 2015-01-16_2314

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Jesus suffered more than anyone so He, above all, knows the deepest of our sorrows

Our Burden 2015-01-23_1738

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We all have valleys in our lives & thankfully in His wisdom God is still in control

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Apart from love, the most important thing we can have is conversation, because lack of can ruin lives, destroy relationships & even lead to death!
Quote God Help 2014-10-29_2123

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In My Son’s Back Yard An Eagle Sits Atop A Tree & Spreads His Wings

Awesome Creator 2014-05-20_1441

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Blog

AFTERMATH by Jim Baugh an unforgettable, hilarious memoir @5252Baugh #memoir #amwriting

THE KING OF PERSONALITY

AND AUTHOR OF HOOKED & AFTERMATH

Use book cover 2014-09-25_2238

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I had the pleasure of reading Jim Baugh’s memoir HOOKED and when I heard he was writing a sequel called AFTERMATH I couldn’t wait to read it. My advice is to begin with HOOKED. You won’t be disappointed because he’s had a fascinating life and has a unique gift for storytelling. From the very first paragraph I was enthralled and did not want to put it down as he recounts his growing up years living a boys dream at the York River marina. From youth and into his adult years his story is an experience you won’t soon forget.

AFTERMATH is what happens after HOOKED. He’s blunt, he’s real, he’s funny, and he isn’t afraid to show his vulnerability. As his first novel was going viral he was about to be homeless with barely enough spare change to take a girl to dinner. Yet, through one of his ingenious ideas he had beautiful women lining up for his famous Barbeque at JBBQ and a chance for romance. As we find out there is only one lady that can hook Mr. Baugh. Yes, he may have been about to loose his home but he wasn’t down and out because he is creative, innovative, and even audacious in a daring but not reckless, sort of way. Throughout AFTERMATH and HOOKED we see a man with soul, personality, and a familiarity that reminds us of our favorite people even if we don’t know him personally.

I highly recommend HOOKED & AFTERMATH.

A continuation of Jim Baugh’s fascinating memoir is a solid 6 star * * * * * *

Amazon: AFTERMATH – http://www.amazon.com/Aftermath-Jim-Baugh-ebook/dp/B00NWSDZDQ

Aftermath 2014-09-25_2237

Amazon: HOOKED – http://www.amazon.com/Hooked-Jim-Baugh-ebook/dp/B00578KEUG

2nd new hooked 2014-09-26_1027

Categories
Blog

Book Release: Canoples Investigations Tackles Space Pirates @kcsowriter @SolsticeShadows @amwriting

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Multitalented author K.C. Sprayberry sits at the throne today. Read and enjoy this amazing woman’s work.

book cover kc aug 13 2014-08-13_19

Excerpt:

Five flitters arrow around the massive tetra-flex porthole giving everyone a view of Jupiter and her moons. These are ships capable of seating two to four people for station-to-planet hops. The largest thing in sight, Io, is in synchronous orbit between the station and Jupiter.

Blurb:

The biggest worry on BD Bradford’s mind is scoring enough creds to snatch a copy of the latest vid-game. He’s set on getting his girl to stop glaring at him, until Space Pirates make their presence known. Thrown into a day without end, BD and his team can’t do anything right, until faced with an impossible situation.

Book Trailer:

Link: http://youtu.be/i-bO1nraJ30

KC aug 13 2014-08-13_1940
K. C. SPRAYBERRY

Bio:

 Born and raised in Southern California’s Los Angeles basin, K.C. Sprayberry spent years traveling the United States and Europe while in the Air Force before settling in Northwest Georgia. A new empty nester with her husband of more than twenty years, she spends her days figuring out new ways to torment her characters and coming up with new tales from the South and beyond.

She’s a multi-genre author who comes up with ideas from the strangest sources. Some of her short stories have appeared in anthologies, others in magazines. Three of her books (Softly Say Goodbye, Who Am I?, and Mama’s Advice) are Amazon best sellers. Her other books are: Take Chances, Where U @, The Wrong One, Pony Dreams, Evil Eyes, Inits, and Starlight. Additionally, she has shorts available on Amazon: Grace, Secret From the Flames, Family Curse … Times Two, and The Ghost Catcher.

Author Links:

 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/KC-Sprayberry/331150236901202

Twitter: https://twitter.com/kcsowriter

Blog: http://outofcontrolcharacters.blogspot.com/

Website: www.kcsprayberry.com

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5011219.K_C_Sprayberry

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005DI1YOU

Google +: https://plus.google.com/u/0/+KcSprayberry/posts

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/kcsprayberry/boards/

Authorgraph: http://www.authorgraph.com/authors/kcsowriter

Book Links:

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Canoples-Investigation-Tackles-Space-Pirates-ebook/dp/B00MOIOJM6/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1407941425&sr=1-1&keywords=canoples+investigations+tackles+space+pirates

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/canoples-investigation-tackles-space-pirates-kc-sprayberry/1120132536?ean=2940150335349

Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/458915

CreateSpace: https://www.createspace.com/4910024

Categories
Blog

Check out: Mary H Collins author of Dreams Come True @collinsmaryh @SummerSolstice6

PLEASE WELCOME FRIEND

& AUTHOR OF

DREAMS COME TRUE

MARY H COLLINS

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Mary Collins 2014-07-18_1032Blurb

Shelley lived the life of her dreams. She had a husband who loved her, a hit CD that was flying off the shelves and her fans adored her. There was only one thing missing … a baby.