What comes after loss…

April 14, 2018

It’s been over three and a half years since I lost my son, Chad. To know I’ll never see him on this earth again is not something I’ve come to terms with. I doubt I ever will. For three years and two months, I didn’t see how I could make it through another minute. To live in that way for so long was killing me. I’d lost hope. It was torture going anywhere, but I finally returned to church. After crying two Sundays in a row I had to do something and ask for prayers in dealing with my loss. Whether that’s what changed things, I know God’s hands are in the reasons why life became a little easier, though there will always be rough days, really, really rough. Seeing my children and grandchildren certainly helps a whole lot; laughing with them is good for my soul.

The pain may seem to melt at times, but there is no ‘cure’ for this kind of loss (two breakdowns today), but controlling thoughts becomes easier more often–something that was impossible even three months ago. Don’t get me wrong; I still think about my son from the moment I awake until I fall asleep, but I don’t allow my mind to go into detail about what happened to him near every minute of the day. No down movies either.

Please, if you have a family member who’s lost a child, don’t ask anything out of them. Just pray for them. In time they will work naturally to find things of interest that will “help” take their mind off the reality of their child’s death. No matter how long ago the loss, the pain is right below the surface and it comes out in a split second. There are days of dark grief and weeping, but we come to learn that this is our cross to bear–not in the least with self-pity, but with our hearts full of love for our child. We’re lucky if we find an outlet, something we love to do in order to hold our grief at bay. Writing is my outlet. That’s all it is, holding it at bay. My saving grace.