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Color of loss

One of my son’s last texts; #suicideprevention #pray #update

One of the last texts my son sent. Days later began the final turning point

~ ~ ~

1 of Chad last text

Chad began to write a song on the piano years ago. He didn’t have a piano until just months before he died (its so sad that he wasn’t able to finish his song on it). I think just about every time I saw him I asked him when he was going to finish his “Piano Song”.  This would be the last time I mentioned it to him. One year ago today, he told me he would finish his song soon. I’ve heard when we get to heaven that we do what we love. My hope is that he’s finishing his song for me.

~ ~ ~

One of the last calls I received from Chad was mid September 2014.  I could hear right away he was very depressed. He told me why; he didn’t have to say much because he’d talked a number of times about what brought him into his depression months before. I haven’t been saying a lot of what I know, not for myself, but for others. I’m not even sure why except that I don’t like to hurt people, even if they are in the wrong. I’m in the wrong sometimes, everyone is. No one is perfect. So, why, whenever I’ve asked (nicely) to talk about what happened the last year of Chad’s life, the last moments, I wonder why I’m met with anger. I would’ve been glad to sit and talk about it face to face. There is no other answer as to why I wasn’t given what every mother in the world would ask for, but that there is a good reason.

If only I had listened to my intuition. I blame myself each day for not saying what should have been said back than. I don’t like the word “blame”. I call it “part of the story”. I was part of his story since before he was born; anyone he associated with was part of his story. I was part of it as I tried to find out what was wrong with him three weeks before he died, and I’m part of his story now as I piece things together.

If only I could hold the bible he read, to touch the pages he turned and I’m sure his tears fell upon. How I long to see the songs he had been working on, the story he’d been writing about when he was younger, something personal he and I shared when he was younger. We talked about how he was going to tell his story. Even though I ask in love I was denied. What would a normal mother do? I’ve forgiven every single day since day one, but what would a normal mother do?

I can’t just let go, think of the good times and move on; it’s not possible. My son is dead! What a simple thing it would have been to sit down and talk face to face about what happened the last year of Chad’s life, those last moments.

~ ~ ~

That day in September, I could have said the right words to Chad and I’ve ask myself why, over and over. Why didn’t I push the issue. I’m so sorry Chad, I’m so sorry. I hear from others that he’s in heaven now that he’s in a better place, but you’re talking to a mother, and when our children disappear off the face of this earth all we want is for them to be back where we can talk to them and hold them and tell them we love them more than anything else in the world. We need to know they’re okay.

Chad grew inside of me; his first heartbeat was right there along side of mine. I’m the first person who hugged him, who kissed him, who loved him. I can’t just “move on”. I pray every day about this. God will give me peace when it’s time. I believe He wants me right where I am. He knows more than anyone about what’s happened in my life, and what happened in Chad’s. Chad loved Jesus with all his heart. I love Jesus with all my heart. I long to be with Him and Chad and the rest of my family. There are “moments” when I do feel peace, but it’s a long road yet and most likely I’ll never even get close to the place where others expect me to be before I go to my real home in heaven.

If you’re a Christian, I ask for your prayers. Pray for all the mothers, and for the fathers, who have lost a child that somehow others will understand what this does to a parent. It’s changes us, it changes our brain, and it crushes our souls. I may have said this before that there is not a word in the english language to describe what child loss does to a mother/father. We are forced to wear masks just to fit into society. If others could see beneath that mask they would see our dead child right there in our eyes. Whether or not some find a happy life somewhere in the future, the pain is still there; the pain is a fixture of our love that surpasses all other human love.

From what I’ve heard and read, suicide has become an epidemic. What a tormenting tragedy a parent is forced to live. Before child loss, we just go on with our lives never knowing the underworld of grief that’s all around us. I doubt we could ever stop all suicides because some people are bent on leaving this earth. But I know Chad really didn’t want to die. He just wanted to be happy; to love others, and love God, to live right, to care for others, and be cared for and appreciated. He was too kindhearted. He didn’t give up easily, and he was so very dependable.

Chad liked to have wine with dinner sometimes. He’d been busy all day, stopped at Fred Meyers to buy a turkey and than made dinner that evening. I just want to add that he absolutely didn’t have a drinking problem, and his alcohol level was 0.079. Like I’ve said before, I didn’t realize he was taking Ambien, and was surprised he even went to a doctor who would prescribe it. If I’d known, I would have made him stop taking it. It’s not as if I didn’t try to contact others and find out what was wrong with him those last 3 weeks, I did. If I hadn’t asked than I can see not saying anything, but I asked “please talk to me. I’m so worried”. I should have been told the truth. There were so many times I wanted to call Chad when he was at work, but I was afraid he’d fall off the ladder. Why on earth would I allow him to put himself in more danger by being on Medication? You hear me screaming through the wires. I’m screaming right now in my head.

What’s even more sad is that I’ve learned enough to know he wasn’t sleep walking, he wasn’t over-dozed with meds or wine, but he was uninhibited and just decided at that moment it would be best to end it. I wish I knew exactly what was on his mind those moments he went and got the gun and sat down on the couch. Why did he eject a live round onto the floor first; was he hoping for something to change? Was he crying as he raised the gun, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger? Or was he just wanting it to be over with? I would die right now to take that from him. I mean, really and truly I would die for him. I am dying of a broken heart.

Chad was very health conscious, he’d been working out for a number of years and in the best shape he’d ever been; he was studying the bible, really trying to live right. WHY did he do it? I believe from everything I know that he felt helpless.

I didn’t need Chad for anything, I just loved him. He’s my son. I loved him. I love him. I love him. I can’t bear that he’s gone, and even more so, that he was in pain. I wish I had found him and gently taken care of everything myself only feeling the pain for him and what he went through, and not selfishly for myself.

As a mother I ask myself every single day. WHY, didn’t I listen to my intuition? WHY didn’t I listen to my gut. WHY! WHY! WHY! And now I’m consumed by his death, by his pain, in a way only a mother who’s lost a child can understands.

Please parents, listen to your intuition; let your gut lead you.

I hear from one of his step daughters now and than. She told me the other day that she wishes she would have been a better daughter. Those were beautiful words to my ears and a loving thing for her to say. It releases just a bit of pain because I know it came from her heart.

I ask God to lead me. I pray every day that I will keep forgiving, and I do.

By Kat

My true writing career began thirty some years ago while going through a valley, alone. I’ve come to believe that we all have a purpose in life, our path to walk.

Now that my middle son Chad Engstrom died on October 14, 2014, the rest of my life is not lived for myself, but to leave his legacy, not only because he was my son, but because of his beautiful soul.

May God guide me…. For our earthly selves are far from perfect, but may we be perfect in His love.

11 replies on “One of my son’s last texts; #suicideprevention #pray #update”

I saw this days ago and cried, and I was going to comment, but I was so sick I couldn’t even think. I have no words, because of course I can’t possibly know the depths of your grief. Just know that you have the love and support of many. Looking forward to spending time with you & family this weekend. Love you
-Carol

Thanks Carol. Glad you’re feeling better. Didn’t mean to make anyone cry, but when that overwhelming urge hits it’s powerful. Love you

I am sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child. My heart aches for you. I don’t think you should blame yourself. Sometimes we never know why. I lost one of my best friends to suicide years ago. Two of my friends have lost their sons to suicide. Depression is as real as cancer. I say a special prayer to all my family and friends who have lost a child daily. I will add you to my list. I lost my first husband almost 13 years ago to hep c, now my second husband has terminal cancer. I found that talking and writing about it is healing. You are a very good writer. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am sure it is very hard to do. God bless you!!! I pray your pain will eventually turn to peace.

Thank you Judy and it’s very nice to meet you. I’m sure your family appreciates your support. Prayers are always needed. Sorry for your losses also. I too pray for my grieving partners each day for there is nothing as painful as losing a child. I started writing the day after Chad died, that’s what kept me going. I could feel the prayers yesterday, so thank you… XO

Kathleen, I hear your pain loud and clear. Your heart continues to break every breathing moment. I know. I’m living it too. Surviving it too, by God’s amazing grace. I had no notes, no texts, only 1 email to try to get my head around what was going on in my son’s head before he took his life. You have much more to sift through. My response to mine: in ten years, it has not helped. I have asked the why questions and no answers come. Clarity does come with time ~ lots of time. Hindsight is 20/20. Now I can say what I could have done, should have done, but didn’t. Could I have changed the outcome? I venture to say that perhaps actions could have delayed, but not stopped him. He had been depressed much too long. It hurts me too, every time I talk about him in the “before”. One has to sift though. It is the most natural thing for a mom to review every second over and over. But if I can leave you with one encouragement, it is this: vow to stop all negative content in your mind. Give it to God. Every time it comes again, give it to God, firmly and decisively. If you don’t, you amp up the pain because the devil is the only one who will give you negative thoughts. You can’t argue with him and win. Only God can take him on and win. So let Him fight for you. If you should like to discuss this more, you know how to reach me. And by the way, I appreciate that you follow my blog. We are in this together, but we don’t grieve alone. The One who is our constant Companion, grieves with us too. Keep writing, my friend. There is healing in it. Much love, Gracie

Hi Gracie. I’m so very sorry for your loss and I appreciate your advice; you’re absolutely right. I give my negative thoughts and ask God to help me continue to forgive each and every day. I strongly believe life is a lesson to be learned, and though we can’t change our own situation there are those heading down the wrong path. And whether I can help or not, I wish there had been someone out there determined to say what I needed to hear. I have much to work through yet, and maybe this is just part of what one must go through. You said: “It is the most natural thing for a mom to review every second over and over”, boy is that ever true. We want to know everything, and at the same time make some kind of since out of the horrible situation. Yes, we are in this together as there is a bond between those who’ve lost a child. Take care, XO

Hi again Gracie. I thought I had your book Shattered by Suicide and sure enough I do. I’ve been reading it and want to say that I’m enthralled. I bought many books from people who’ve lost children during the first few months after losing Chad, but at the time they were just too painful to read. Your book (the story of losing your son) is speaking to God through prayers/poetry and is written in such a beautiful way. I see why you so adamantly suggested giving it all to God; as I’ve heard from many others who’ve had family members turn from them (especially when suicide is involved), I’ve been fortunate in that respect. Still, it’s a lonely world we’re forced to live in. Regarding your blog: I don’t know why I didn’t get any emails for updates, but I’ll check into it. Take care XO

Dear Kathleen,

There is nothing I or any one can say to ease your pain. Please know that I am here if you want to talk. You have posted a beautiful post. Chad is at peace with his Lord now, it
is those he left behind that grieve his passing. None more than you. I continue to pray for him and you and your family. Peace my friend, peace. xoxoxo

Hi Patricia. You’ve always been available to give your encouragement, and thanks again. I wish it were easy to just surrender my pain to the knowledge that Chad is happy and alive with Jesus. I do get those feelings sometimes, and maybe only those who’ve been where I was and am and with the images of his last moments on earth stuck in my mind it’s not something that can just happen; It’s like getting from here to mars. Thanks for the prayers, my dear friends. XO

Oh, my sweet Kathleen. I’m crying so hard I can barely type. I don’t know and won’t pretend to know the grief and guilt you feel. I do share the pain of having a son on drugs. I’ve said and done all a mother can, but it still goes on. So, perhaps you couldn’t have stopped him. I don’t know. Nobody has the answer except God.
I wish I could say something to you that would take away the guilty. The grief is normal as you know and only time will help you bear it. It does’t stop, but you’re mind will someday in your own time be able to endure the grief better.
I love you. You’re a wonderful mother. Chad knew that. He still knows. And he’s in heaven playing the piano and composing. God bless you. <3

Joy my dear friend, you’re bringing tears to my eyes. I pray for you and your family every night. I didn’t know he was still on drugs. I’ll continue to pray, and specifically about him. Chad never had trouble with alcohol or drugs. It’s just the last year when he became depressed that he took any prescription. I was shocked he was even doing that and didn’t know until after he died. I just knew there was something wrong with him. When a person is on prescription they aren’t thinking straight. He’d been able to get through a lot in his life. That’s one reason why this is so difficult. It’s funny (funny?), but I guess I didn’t realize I revealed so much guilt in my post, but that’s alright, it came from my heart, and it’s normal. I can’t wait to hear his song. I mean I told him over and over again. He knew how much it meant to me. How can I not think about the words he wrote down and I imagine a tape. How could a mother not want to hold them in her hands. XO <3

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