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Blog Color of loss

Everything’s blooming. But try and convince my heart. #grief #pray

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Text God Chad bloom

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As I look outside my window everything’s in bloom and it would seem I’d be happy, but how can I be when my son is gone. My heart will never be un-shattered, and although those who’ve never lost a child may think at six months things would be better, it’s not. In fact, it’s just the beginning. I’m barely at the place of missing him because I can’t truly believe he’s gone yet. I’m still in the depths of despair for what he went through.

Last year at this time Chad was alive. April 20, 2014 he was still excited about doing some kind of ministering for God (see text to me below). Everything that happened beginning in September of 2013 and ending at his death on October 14, 2014 keeps going through my mind. I go over and over it in my head, my soul screams to undue what happened.

If someone had told me to do as my intuition begged of me, then Chad would be alive. No, I can’t go back and undue anything. I can’t undue his suicide, but I can warn others.

My intuition rocked the very core of my soul, and yet I felt I shouldn’t interfere. I’ve come to the place where I can’t ignore the reasons why I didn’t believe I had the right to fight for something that was literally tearing me apart. I’ll confess I  have a personality type that more times than not backs away least there be conflict. It goes way back in time, and now it’s something I have to deal with. Many things could’ve stopped his death, and there are always lessons to be learned, although I believe whole-heartedly that just a few words from me the following month would have stopped the train.

Here is one of such texts he sent me. He talked into his phone at times so some words are off a bit, but I knew what he meant.

test Chad God

It’s amazing that he ended it with: “is that not what we hope in that He will come back and take us in His arms.” Surely Chad felt the arms of God as the angels carried him through the gates of Heaven. It’s still very difficult to fathom, but the other night listening to Carrie Underwood, Vince Gill, and Charles Billingsley sing, God’s spirit was here. For a few moments I felt joy. Each night when I listen to a sermon and pray I do feel God’s presence, and if not for that reprieve there would be no hope.

Chad had been reading the bible and praying for years, and accepted Christ when he was very young, but around March he had a yearning to do more. He was so excited and was looking for support. It takes every ounce of control I have to not completely fall apart recalling his disappointment when that fell through knowing how close he came.

From other things he said I wonder if God is still preparing him for something big.

Though my heart is heavy
My heart is filled with love
God’s love
Or it could not be so

By Kat

My true writing career began thirty some years ago while going through a valley, alone. I’ve come to believe that we all have a purpose in life, our path to walk.

Now that my middle son Chad Engstrom died on October 14, 2014, the rest of my life is not lived for myself, but to leave his legacy, not only because he was my son, but because of his beautiful soul.

May God guide me…. For our earthly selves are far from perfect, but may we be perfect in His love.

7 replies on “Everything’s blooming. But try and convince my heart. #grief #pray”

I am sorry I have only just got around to investigating your blog, Kathleen. I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a son through suicide. I have quite a few friends who suffer from depression and I think it’s fair to say that those of us who don’t get it (we can all feel depressed sometimes but it’s not the same as clinical depression) can never truly understand what those that do get it feel. The fact that we can’t ‘cheer them up’ and they can’t ‘shake themselves out of it’ is real. And there is little that those of us on the outside of them can actually do for them. I do not know about that drug he was taking; it’s not something I have ever heard of here but obviously it’s known in America – I assume that’s where you are.

As a Christian, I fully believe that our Father in Heaven would not punish someone like Chad for taking his own life. He is a loving Father who understands things we do not. He has taken Chad into his loving arms and healed him and is now keeping him safe to await the wonderful reunion you will have with him one day.

Thank you so much Jeanette for your kind words. Honestly, I really need something like this today. Yes, Chad is in heaven, although it’s too soon for me to understand yet. Something I’ve never said before and I may get beat up for it is that I prayed about a week before he died that if God didn’t want him in his situation that He’d take him away. I didn’t mean for him to die. Reality is here and it’s something that only a mother who’s lost a child can possibly understand. Thanks again for taking the time to write to me. XO

Kat, I’ve only just seen your reply to my comment on December 10th because I have been ill and have not been looking at my emails. I apologise.

I just wanted to say that you must not beat yourself up for praying that way. Anyone who loves someone who is suffering wants the suffering to stop and, in the event that there is no one who can really help, the only thing we can do is turn to God for help. This you did; there was nothing wrong in that at all; it’s what all of us would do if we believe in God. Because we only know this life, we find it hard to comprehend that there is something better beyond it. God knew the only way to heal Chad was to take him to Himself.

I also know that you are probably finding Christmas hard to cope with after the loss of Chad but I hope you will eventually be able to find some peace in your heart and comfort that Chad is happy now and wants you to know that too.

Love and blessings, Jeanette

I’m sorry I didn’t read this earlier. All of us who care about Chad still experience pain when we think about him and can’t believe he’s not with us anymore, but of course most of us can’t know what it’s like to have a mother’s shattered heart.

I understand that it hasn’t gotten easier for you, and that until you see Chad again, and all pain and tears are wiped away, you will continue to grieve and question things. I am thankful that you are experiencing God’s love and the hope that it brings. That is what Chad would want for you the most, and it’s what will carry you through until you are reunited. Love you sis!
-Carol

Thanks Carol. Appreciate that so much. It’s way too soon to think about anything but what happened to him. I never want anyone to think I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I keep busy all the time, praying for many, and hoping because of what happened to Chad others will be saved. I’m also having a memorial website built. Love you

I wish I had words to comfort you Kathleen, but I know there are none. Please know that I think of you daily and you are in my prayer’s. You are not alone, we who have lost a child no matter what their age are here for you. No words will ever make it easier, but I am sending a mother’s love to you and holding your hand as you grieve for your beloved son. I do understand how you feel, for I have walked the path. Chad is safe in the arms of his maker, he is home.

Hi Patricia. You’ve always been such a great support and I appreciate it more than you know. As a mother who lost twins I know you can relate to the pain and I’m sorry for your loss. It’s been said many times unless a person has lost a child, they can’t understand. No truer words spoken.

kat XO

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