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Color of loss

God knows the story of our hearts #story #grief #prayer

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~ There is no love stronger than a mother’s love for her child ~

ChaddieBestSonGod

I think God knew I’d need this text after Chad was gone, and why only months before he died he sent this to me (I think talking into the phone). Although Chad was always thankful for the relationship we had, no, I wasn’t a perfect mom, but I loved the best any mom could love.

Chad was a wonderful son, considerate, loving, respectful, always wanting to make sure I was okay. He was such a good boy. I don’t ever remember having to scold him. Well, maybe a couple of times when he and his brother were squabbling. Actually, all my children were very well behaved. Chad deserved the very best in life; he gave so much; I pray that’s what he has now. God knew my heart would break into a million pieces; he knows everything, and yet decided to allow this burden. At this point I can only give it to Him.

Below is the first part of the text from above (he usually talked into the phone:

Heart like Paul

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Color of loss

Just a bit ago I thought of you…. #love #pray

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Something happened just a bit ago and my first thought was to call my son Chad. My heart sank because unless God gives me access to heaven that won’t happen. For the most part, I was the first one he called when something exciting happened, and he was the first one I called, he or my daughter.

Not that anything really exciting happened today just a decision I’m coming to.

The text below was one he sent to me last May 2014 when he first found out he was coming out here. We’d had a talk not long before and I was so happy to see things seemed to be working out.

How is a mother to move forward? It’s impossible to explain, and unless you’ve lost a child consider this, planet XXXX……

4 Web ChadEUGENEThere is so much that has happened in this journey, and I wish there was something I could say that would help someone just beginning. Support is the first word that comes to mind. Support, support, and more support. There are a few people that merely text and ask how I’m doing. Even that helps and is appreciated so much. All grieving parents long for understanding, not sympathy, but only understanding.

We’ll never be the same, no going back, and, as I’m doing in these posts, prayer and keeping busy is a must to deal with in all the emotions that are now part of our lives, until we die. We’re holding onto this wretched grief as we go about our days, and that is the hardest task any person will ever perform.

My hope is that Chad is filled with joy now. I pray God will allow me witness that in some capacity very soon.

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Color of loss

A mother’s first mother’s day without her son. #love #grief #poetry

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How can this be? My son, my beautiful son is not in this world any longer. My heart is shattered.

Here is a poem I wrote, a quick take of his life.

May10thMothersDay1

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Color of loss

Birthday wish to heaven #Love

Chad Birth WEBSITE 2015-05-11_1451

WEb 1 Chad Birth photo 2015-05-11_1456

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Blog Color of loss

Everything’s blooming. But try and convince my heart. #grief #pray

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Text God Chad bloom

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As I look outside my window everything’s in bloom and it would seem I’d be happy, but how can I be when my son is gone. My heart will never be un-shattered, and although those who’ve never lost a child may think at six months things would be better, it’s not. In fact, it’s just the beginning. I’m barely at the place of missing him because I can’t truly believe he’s gone yet. I’m still in the depths of despair for what he went through.

Last year at this time Chad was alive. April 20, 2014 he was still excited about doing some kind of ministering for God (see text to me below). Everything that happened beginning in September of 2013 and ending at his death on October 14, 2014 keeps going through my mind. I go over and over it in my head, my soul screams to undue what happened.

If someone had told me to do as my intuition begged of me, then Chad would be alive. No, I can’t go back and undue anything. I can’t undue his suicide, but I can warn others.

My intuition rocked the very core of my soul, and yet I felt I shouldn’t interfere. I’ve come to the place where I can’t ignore the reasons why I didn’t believe I had the right to fight for something that was literally tearing me apart. I’ll confess I  have a personality type that more times than not backs away least there be conflict. It goes way back in time, and now it’s something I have to deal with. Many things could’ve stopped his death, and there are always lessons to be learned, although I believe whole-heartedly that just a few words from me the following month would have stopped the train.

Here is one of such texts he sent me. He talked into his phone at times so some words are off a bit, but I knew what he meant.

test Chad God

It’s amazing that he ended it with: “is that not what we hope in that He will come back and take us in His arms.” Surely Chad felt the arms of God as the angels carried him through the gates of Heaven. It’s still very difficult to fathom, but the other night listening to Carrie Underwood, Vince Gill, and Charles Billingsley sing, God’s spirit was here. For a few moments I felt joy. Each night when I listen to a sermon and pray I do feel God’s presence, and if not for that reprieve there would be no hope.

Chad had been reading the bible and praying for years, and accepted Christ when he was very young, but around March he had a yearning to do more. He was so excited and was looking for support. It takes every ounce of control I have to not completely fall apart recalling his disappointment when that fell through knowing how close he came.

From other things he said I wonder if God is still preparing him for something big.

Though my heart is heavy
My heart is filled with love
God’s love
Or it could not be so

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Color of loss

Finding a way to live after the loss of a child: #quotes #grief

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Healing after the death of a child is a long journey that never really ends. Sometimes it’s the circumstances of the death that makes it more difficult; or it may be the bond between the mother and child, or both. No one unless, or until they lose a child can possibly understand. I have some great support, but as from many I hear from and what I’ve seen first hand, grief is looked down upon by some which makes the healing process even harder. Part of my healing is this, writing….

Whaterevver you want

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Only God can bring light to this world
What's in the heart

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Forgiveness is good for the soul & so is taking responsibility

Foregiveness TWO