(New website coming!)
The Loss of a Child
When they’re taken from us
We’re left with a gaping, bleeding, wound
And nothing, NOTHING can stop the crushing pain
But for the return of our child
As of October 14, 2014 my life changed forever when my son Chad died. There are no words to describe the bitter pain that losing him has caused. My heart will go on breaking until the day I see him in Heaven.
Who knew there was another world out there, a club called ‘Grieving Parents.’ It’s a long, dark journey of sorrow and grief with no short cuts, no way around, only through it one minuted at a time. It’s a lonely road because only those who have lost a child can possibly understand the utter despair which, at times, takes us to the brink of death. For any parent who has just recently lost a child, know that you’re not alone because we suffer together in a pain that’s greater than all others. We all have closed our eyes in exhaustion only to be awakened by that crushing pain once again and to the heartbreak we are forced to endure.
We have no choice but to begin the journey whether it’s to stay in bed and weep or get up and force ourselves to live in a world that’s become strange and distant. And we hope our friends and family understand that our minds are in a fog that shifts from one minute to the next.
Every parent wants their children to be alive; we miss them when they’re away for only a day, every day. But when they’ve left this earth no matter where we are it’s as if we’re drowning in a thick pool of grief unable to breathe, weeping in silence for their return. Everything reminds us of them. I prayed the first two months (okay, last night too…it was new years eve) that God would bring Chad back to life. The first few weeks thinking that he might return kept me from dying of a broken heart. There were a few times when the pain was so great–an indescribable tormenting pain–that I cried out to God in a way I’ve never done before. For a whole day I was numb. I didn’t want to live, it was the pain that I couldn’t bear, and I believe I would have died without that reprieve from God.
Outside we may look calm, but inside we’re screaming just trying to get through the next minute. There is no way we’re going to “just get over it” we can’t even if we try because we’re consumed by the loss of our child. Part of the journey is that we want to keep our children alive and we need to talk about them and why they died as much as we feel a need to. Finding the right support group or counselor is vital. The loss of a child is never about pity, and all it takes is a parent to lose a child to know that. Our grief is part of the journey because we hurt like the dickens. And whatever it takes for us personally we have to find a way that helps us to cope.
Let me tell you a few things about Chad. He was one of the most caring, giving, unselfish, supportive, hard-working men I know (all my boys are hard-working). I don’t normally like to use the word proud, but I am so very proud of who Chad was and what he represented. He was such a likable, kind, funny, and handsome man who enjoyed life, but who also took some big losses. I miss him so much. I miss all my children, but Chad won’t be coming back. I hate that. I really hate to say it, but I have to get used to the idea no matter how much I don’t want to believe it.
He had some valleys in his too short life, some real heartaches that crushed him. His two brothers have their own special qualities and no less loved and admired, but Chad is the one I worried about the most. Honestly, I’m still waiting for him to show up because it’s impossible to believe he’s really gone. Most days I don’t know how I’ll make it through without him.
Chad’s life wasn’t lived in vein. One of the things he talked to me about was his faith and his desire and prayers that his stepchildren would come to know God. I’m happy to say that his prayers are being answered.
For any parent who is grieving over the loss of a child I am so very sorry. There is no pain as great as losing a child, nothing will bring as much anguish. I wish each person would have to live one day as if they had lost a child so that everyone would understand.
Finding a support group is very important. I’ve been visiting sites online and after reading about the heartaches of others I can say it makes a person realize they’re not alone in their grief and that others understand how losing a child changes them for life. Remember all the feelings you’re experiencing are normal and you should never feel guilty about how long your grief lasts or where it takes you. The most important thing you can have is a listening ear, someone who has respect and compassion for the process that a grieving parent goes through.
I just want to say that I don’t blame God. He allowed this to happen for a reason. He didn’t make it happen, He just didn’t stop it from happening. He knows the terrible suffering this is causing. Yet even through this heartache even when I’m lost in so much grief I don’t think I can go on another minute, I know that no one has or will ever suffer like when He died for us. No matter what happens, I believe with all my heart that one day the questions will all be answered. And then everything will be crystal clear.
Feel free to contact me or leave a comment below.
Here are some websites and groups I’ve checked out: (Also, a hospice group may be a good place to start)
EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS FATHER’S FACEBOOK PAGE HE CREATED FOR HIS SON: https://www.facebook.com/mitchellsjourney
THIS IS AMAZING FOR ANY GRIEVING PARENT AND ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER LOST A CHILD BUT WANT TO UNDERSTAND: http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/#.VCs5WAT2iLw.facebook
I just bought the book HEAL MY BROKEN HEART by Monica Hofer: I’m really looking forward to reading it. Check out her website: http://www.healingsoulpress.com/
SHARING & GRIEF has some great pointers and resources: http://www.sharegrief.com/blog-and-articles-1-main-blog/130-10-things-you-can-do-right-now-to-face-your-grief
The following is a Christian based website that helps people go through all kinds of trials: Here is a statement from their website: It is our vision to provide hope and to help people who are going through life-devastating events. Our goal is to befriend, mentor and help these individuals find a purpose, direction and hope in their circumstances. http://www.hope360.org/about_storytellers.php
Christa Black is an incredible woman who lost a child in early 2014. A website of inspiration whether you’ve lost a child or not. http://christablack.com
(NOTE: until I learn how to work this website better this part of my dedication will be on my bio. I will be working on a short bio at the bottom of this page. I update my blog and this page periodically)
I thank all of the people who have contacted me with their support.
My true writing career began thirty some years ago while going through a valley, alone. I’ve come to believe that we all have a purpose in life, our path to walk. Though our choices create twists and turns, God is still in charge of the end result. Now that my middle son Chad died, the rest of my life is not lived for myself, but to leave his legacy, not only because he was my son, but because of his beautiful soul.
It’s not normally me to bare my soul so openly, but my priorities have changed. For most of my life I was unbearably shy until I spent time as a nurses aide where I came into my own. And so it’s here, journaling, where I found a home.
Like everyone else, Chad wasn’t perfect (almost), but as someone close to him told me a few years back, “He’s so loving, and forgiving.” That was Chad all the way. One of the things I loved and respected about him was that he admitted when he was wrong and was the first to say he was sorry. Now that takes a real man, and a person of integrity. Anyone who was ever loved by Chad was lucky to have felt the impact, as I was. There will never be anyone like him.
I’m slowly working on a book about Chad (name to come soon): ALL PROCEEDS WILL GO TO NON-PROFIT:
At this point: There will be two version, one of which will be for family history (genealogy).
Pray for God’s guidance.